01 April 2015

Wave 7 Revealed or the Gentle Art of Making Enemies

"George Lucas, Pasadena" by Joey Gannon from Pittsburgh, PA - Lucas. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

So as I'm sure y'all have noticed, I've not been posting much lately again. I'd like to tell you that it's been because I've been super busy at work and because some relatively heavy stuff has been going down in my personal life, but that ain't the truth Ringo.

The truth is I'm bad about shooting my mouth off. There's a saying, one that I may or may not have made up, that teachers are the biggest smartasses. Well, I may not be a teacher anymore, but I was one for five years in what feels like a previous life, and as I've exhibited in bits and pieces over the years, I can be a real smartypants when I want to be. I can usually keep it in check, but sometimes I just can't quite feed the sarcasmatron enough and he breaks out like it's 1992 all over again.

And then there's trouble.

It all started one year ago today when I ran this picture alongside my trademark witty caption on TMB.com...

Well, turns out Mr. My Neck is Bigger Than My Head doesn't have much of a sense of humor. I know, right? I was surprised too. I mean, you'd think the guy that brought us Binks would appreciate a good smart remark, but alas. It was not meant to be. 

Not long after that, I received a weird voicemail. Not overtly threatening, and sounding a bit like a slightly peckish Lorne Michaels, but putting two and two together, I suddenly found myself faced with the cold realization that I had pissed off one of the richest and thin-skinned people walking the Earth. This was unlikely to end well for yours truly. 

I got over it after a couple of days, and to be completely honest, I'd kind of forgotten about the voicemail UNTIL LAST NIGHT!

Last night I got an email, y'all. 

To: cidmcdp@gmail.com
Subject: Order 66


I took back a little of that Disney money I gave to "the charity" and threw it at the guy who owns FFG. Good news; I now have full creative control over X-Wing Miniatures! 

First thing, we need to go back and fix some things that don't jive with what I had in mind. I was going to write up a FAQ, but I figured I'd just send you what I had in mind instead. 

1. There will no longer be points in X-Wing Miniatures. The term Points will be replaced by the new term Midichlorian Count. For example, Darth Vader does not cost 29 points. Darth Vader has a Midichlorian Count of 29. 

2. We will no longer have red and green dice in X-Wing Miniatures. These will be replaced by octahedral "Chance Cubes." The explosion symbols will be henceforth referred to as "Yahoo!", the unfilled explosion symbols will be referred to as "Eeechewawa!" and a blank will be called "A Bad Feeling About This." Focus results will still just be Focus results. Oh and wavvy arrows are rerolls. I guess. Maybe they're midichlorians too.  

3. While I realize it has no effect on the game in any way, shape, or form, players are assumed to have purchased all ship upgrades from Watto's Olde Junk Shoppe and Emporium and should refer to it as such whenever appropriate. Crew Members, regardless of neutrality or faction affiliation are similarly regarded to have been recruited from The Outlander Club. What? Are you kidding? It was the bar in Attack of the Clones. Yeah, the second movie. 

All of that taken care of, let's talk about the new exciting features I'm going to bring to X-Wing Miniatures. 

IV. I decided to throw Abrams a bone and let him help out a little bit. He really thought the art on the cards was missing something. I have to say upon review I agree. 


V. Cuse and Lindelof will be re-working the rulebook's text. Those two are pretty solid at tying up loose ends, so I'm confident they'll do a fine job with it. If not, they'll just time travel their way out of it. 

VI. I'll be releasing a large format, 3D, pop-up book, scratch-n-sniff version of the rulebook. It will basically be the same exact thing as the existing rulebook, but there will be way more people in the background and have some fireworks and stuff. The 3D glasses for the new rulebook will be available in kid's meals at Subway. 

Here's the news you've really been waiting for- I'm revealing the Wave 7 ships. 

First, two new Factions- The Republic and the Bad Guys. Republic will get Anakin's Yellow Spaceship and that Gungan submarine thing, but it'll be a Starfighter. Bad Guys will get Darth Maul's hoverscooter and one of the Droid Starfighters. Doesn't matter which one, really. 

Second, the old Factions will be replaced with the new Factions. 

Third, Scum and Villainy never existed. 

If you and your readers don't like the changes and stuff, just realize that this is a kid's game and probably the reason you don't like the game after these changes is that you're no longer a kid with a kid's sensibilities watching a kid's movie, er, I mean playing a kid's game. Now, nevermind that you guys can play nonsense like Trouble, Operation, or Sorry! and have a good time- the point here is that my new X-Wing game is the most awesomest technical achievement known to man and the reason you don't like it is, put simply, because you suck. 

And if you don't like it, I'll never make any more rules for it (until somebody with deep pockets comes along). 



That's it. I'm done with this game. Peace out, fools. 

No comments:

Post a Comment